Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Sometimes Life Gets Worse Before It Can Get Better. Would You Do It Anyway? I Did.

I hesitate to share with others about the unhappy times in my life.  But today I knew I needed to.  Lately I have felt a need to share some of things I have been learning.  But I wasn't ready to be so open and vulnerable.  I guess I am at the point of not caring.  Maybe it's a sign I have become stronger.  I am ready to be real and in the process maybe find a real connection to others.  It's part of my process to becoming whole.

I have been going through a quite a transition in my life ever since I left my corporate job almost 5 years ago now.  It's hard to believe that so much time has passed since that blissful day.  Unfortunately, things have not turned out as blissful as I had envisioned.   Down deep I knew that there were turbulent waters ahead.  But I ignored the warning.  I had to.  A part of me was screaming to expand at whatever the cost.  Besides, it was too late; the giant wheel of fate was already in motion.   Nonetheless, I do not regret it.  I still believe it was the right step at the right time. 

I know that when you ask for something new and better out of life, sometimes things get worse before they get better.  Demolition of the old self, beliefs, and habits as I see it.  I liken it to being re-birthed.  From the comfort of my old job and habits, it seemed like a desirable thing to go through if it would bring about the changes that were necessary for the new life that I craved.  But the reality of it is quiet different.  I was not prepared for the pain, the misery, the overwhelming fear, the darkness and confusion. There seemed to be no answers, no way out and no one that could help.  I was forced to go within deeper than I have ever gone, becoming more open and more allowing.  And God gently began to reveal the blocks and beliefs that were keeping me small.  The light began to come back, very slowly, but consistently.  I thought I had a  close relationship with God before, but I know now it was just the tip of the iceberg.  And of course, I am still at the tip, I have just moved a little deeper.  The light is getting more frequent and stronger now.  The clouds are still there and I still get consumed by the darkness and confusion. There is still so many unanswered questions.  And there is a lot of mess to clean up from the demolition.   But the fear has weakened considerably and my faith has deepened.   The answers will come and my new life will become the norm.  Someday I am sure I will look back and be amazed at the whole process.  I already am.

1 comment:

  1. I love it...rebirthed, renew, revived....Wow!! Thank you Kathy for sharing! :) God is good!